Greedy Uncle Lands Dream Job in Alumni Fundraising

CJ Fritz, soggy broccoli

On Monday morning, Whitman College proudly announced the addition of a new member to its ranks of faculty. Lenny Andrews, local greedy uncle, was added to the renowned staff at Alumni Fundraising.

According to Andrews, working at Alumni Fundraising has always been a dream of his. “Growing up, I always dreamed of taking money from people. I looked up to the greats like Ponzi and Madoff my whole life,” says Andrews.

Rather than pursuing a life of nationwide fraud, though, Andrews chose a life better suited to his family. “We love living in a college town. It’s quiet and beautiful, and Whitman is a perfect outlet for my money-grubbing tendencies,” says Andrews.

Since joining Alumni Fundraising on Monday, Andrews has already successfully swindled ten thousand dollars from Whitman alumni, a Whitman College record. His meteoric rise in the Alumni Fundraising department has even caught the eye of President Kathy Murray.

“Someone like Lenny is vital to the college’s day-to-day function. I’ve always wanted a swimming pool inside my house, and Lenny is making that dream into a reality for me. If he keeps up the good work, he has a bright future in college administrating,” says Murray.

Andrews’ nephew, Carl, knew that Andrews would find his feet quickly in his new role. “Uncle Lenny was born for this job. I was just hoping that this job would make him stop stealing my money, but I guess that was just wishful thinking,” says Carl.

President Murray has lauded Andrews, but she understands that he is now a hot commodity. “We know Wall Street is making him offers, but when you find love like we have with Lenny – something so easy and pure – you don’t let it go. You squeeze every last penny out of it,” says Murray.

Local student can’t afford to burn belongings out of protest

Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs.

After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices.

Many disgruntled Adidas customers and briefs-loyalists are now burning their Adidas gear in protest of Whitestick’s choice of genital support – or lack of support…I mean, boxers? Really??

According to estimates, nearly twelve billion dollars-worth of Adidas merchandise has been burned since the scandal broke.

Local student and Adidas-wearer Cameron Stephens attests that many of his friends have publicly burned their Adidas gear.

“Lots of my buddies have been burning their Adidas stuff as a protest recently,” says Stephens. “I’m as angry as the next guy about this whole thing, but my Adidas sweatpants are kinda the only pants I have that fit me right now.”

Stephens was devastated when he realized that he would not be able to burn his clothing in solidarity with the protest.

“As far as I’m concerned, briefs should be the only underwear option, period,” says Stephens. “But I’m a full-time student and this protest just came at the wrong time for me, financially.”

Stephens’ friends have taken notice of his unwillingness to burn his only good pair of pants.

“I get that Cameron needs those pants, but if you’re not willing to burn some pants in the name of briefs, then what do you stand for?” says Stephens’ long-time friend and briefs-wearer Jack Butler.

Stephens has pledged on Facebook that he plans to burn his Adidas pants immediately upon resuming his babysitting work this spring. He acknowledges that he must endure social exile until he finally sets his pants alight.

“There are consequences to our actions in this world. I am not above those consequences,” says Stephens.